a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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