you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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