I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
