Your mouth is God's brothel.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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