did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
