I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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