I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
