So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
