just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Edward fifth and chaser hands
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
