Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
