As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He felt like a one man threesome
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
