she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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