just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So many bounce houses so little time
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
As shirtless as possible
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
