you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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