It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
