There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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