Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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