Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
