Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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