I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
