I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
