I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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