and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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