What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
