My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
