We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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