I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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