Got a toothbrush?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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