Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
