Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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