I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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