she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
