And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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