I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
