Only a mothe r could love this liver
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
