I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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