I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
