Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
