All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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