remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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