Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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