broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
