Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
What a dumb baby whore.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
