I was born with a shot glass in my hand
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
