i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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