you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Randomize
