I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
