I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
