I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
