In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i think i just lost a toe
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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